


Four out of Six

by sugamama_crowshi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Character Death, Denial/Acceptance of Illness, Funeral, Gay Male Character, M/M, Major Illness, Mentions of Sex, Second Button Confession, Suga has cancer, Terminal Cancer, cancer au, get your tissues ready 'cuz even this author cried while writing it, he dies, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 05:35:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7922461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugamama_crowshi/pseuds/sugamama_crowshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>“I’m going to die soon.”</i><br/><i>Daichi looked up from his reading at Suga’s sudden words.</i><br/><i>“What?”</i><br/><i>“I said I’m going to die soon,” he repeated calmly.</i><br/><i>The setter, who was lying on his back on the bed, rolled over onto his side and looked down at where Daichi was sitting on the floor. Daichi set down his book beside him. Suga gave him a small smile. Daichi frowned.</i><br/><i>“Don’t say that.”</i><br/><i>“Why not? Because it’s true?” When Daichi didn’t reply, Suga reached out and tousled his hair. “I’m sorry. I know it’s hard for you to hear me say things like that. But it helps me come to terms with it. Do you understand?”</i><br/><i>Daichi closed his eyes and sighed. “I do.”</i> But that doesn’t mean I’ve come to terms with it yet.</p><p>When Suga is diagnosed with cancer, it takes everything in Daichi's power to accept that within the year his best friend would no longer be alive. But that didn't mean he'd given up hope. So when Suga presents Daichi with his bucket list, Daichi does everything in his power to make Suga's last six request come true.</p><p>Now available to read in Chinese <a href="http://bessie27.lofter.com/post/1ecbc09a_11b9473f">on Lofter</a>!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four out of Six

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of the Haikyuu!! Summer Big Bang. Thank you to the mods, who hosted this, as well as my artist [Tomomi](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Tomomi/pseuds/Tomomi). (Link to their art is at the end of the fic)
> 
> UPDATE: Big shoutout to Bessie on lofter who translated this fic into Chinese! Wowza! If you'd like to read their translation, [just click this fun text right here and it'll take you to Lofter!](http://bessie27.lofter.com/post/1ecbc09a_11b9473f)

It began when Suga didn’t show up for practice.

Sawamura Daichi, third year and captain of the Karasuno men’s volleyball team, was confused. Sugawara Koushi, fellow third year and vice-captain, was not the type to skip unannounced. If anything, he was the type to show up for secret practices with the first years and mentor them during lunch breaks. Daichi knew this was the case. So the fact that Suga wasn’t at practice was just plain weird.

“Sensei! Have you heard from Suga?”

Takeda-sensei seemed a bit surprised by the question. “Sugawara-kun? No, not at all. Why? Is something wrong?”

Daichi shook his head. “I’m not sure. He’s not at practice, but I saw him yesterday.”

Frowning, the captain excused himself and headed up to their changing room. He pulled his phone out from his bag. No new messages. Daichi sent Suga a quick text.

 _To: Suga_ _  
_ _Hey, just wondering where you are._

Asahi came up to the room.

“Daichi? We’re starting in a minute.”

“Okay. I’ll be right there.”

Seeing as there wasn’t a reply Daichi put his phone away and headed back to the gym. Morning practice came and went. Suga didn’t show up. He stared at his phone during homeroom, but still nothing. Maybe Suga was sick?

Daichi tried to reason with himself that there was nothing wrong, and that Suga would text him if anything were to change. Still, morning classes went by at a snail’s pace. By lunch Daichi was anxious. He still hadn’t heard from his friend.

It took until right before afternoon practice for Daichi to finally--finally!--get a reply.

 _From: Suga_ _  
_ _sorry!! I had a doctor’s appointment today. and my phone died, haha!!_

 _To: Suga_ _  
_ _Is everything okay?_

 _From: Suga_ _  
_ _im fine! ive been feeling ill the last couple of weeks, so my mom wanted to take me to the hospital and get some bloodwork done to make sure its not anything serious._

 _From: Suga_ _  
_ _dont slack off at practice today! ill be there tomorrow._

 _To: Suga_ _  
_ _I’ll see you then, then._

Putting his phone back in his bag Daichi laced up his sneakers and headed down to the court.

All was well. Or so he thought.

Or so anyone thought.

* * *

Everything went back to normal for about a week and a half. Suga returned, reassuring everyone that everything was okay and he just had to go to the doctor’s office for cautionary care. The team fell back into their usual rhythm. The Golden Week training camp and their first practice match with Nekoma went as smoothly as they could imagine.

Soon after the test results came back. Suga missed a half day of school for when he had to return to the hospital to get them. When he returned for lunch he didn’t look well. Daichi was immediately concerned.

“What’s wrong?” he asked when the two of them had settled for lunch.

Suga picked at his food for a little bit.

“Suga? How was your doctor’s appointment?”

He shrugged. “I got my bloodwork back.”

“And? It was fine, right?”

“...cancer.”

Daichi frowned. Surely he misheard him. “What?”

“...”

“Suga?”

“I have cancer. According to the doctors.”

“You’re kidding, right? Right?”

“I’m not, Daichi, okay? I have cancer. That’s a fact.”

“How bad is it?”

Suga smiled. “Honestly? Pretty bad!”

The smile was definitely forced. Trying to pull himself out of shock, Daichi said warningly, “Suga, stop. Just answer, um, honestly.”

“It’s manageable. Especially now. But I’m going to start treatment next week. They’re making me a treatment plan as we speak, probably.”

Daichi nodded. The two ate their food in silence for a bit.

“So how are you doing?” he asked.

Suga giggled. “You don’t have to ask me every few seconds, Daichi. I’m not dead yet.”

Daichi frowned. “Please don’t joke around like that.”

“What, death jokes? Come on Daichi, it’ll be fine! The doctors said they can probably stop the cancer from spreading with aggressive chemotherapy.”

“Probably?”

“It’ll be _fine_ , Daichi,” said Suga firmly. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

_You could die._

The answer hung heavy and silent in the air. Daichi finally cleared his throat.

“Well,” he said, “I guess all we can do is see how everything goes.”

“Yeah…”

“Will you still play volleyball?”

Suga laughed. “Of course! Nothing can keep me off the court! Now hurry up and eat. Lunch is almost over.”

Daichi checked the time and swore, shovelling his rice into his mouth with gusto. Suga watched him with a strangely wistful smile as he finished his own meal.

* * *

On the day of their first Inter-High match, Suga, Daichi, and Asahi somehow met at the crossroads.

“Ah!”

It was rare the three of them would meet in the morning like this. Usually Daichi would already be unlocking the gym by the time Asahi and Suga were heading to school. They exchanged good mornings before walking to school together in silence.

Asahi was the first to break it as they neared the school.

“You know, this is going to be our last—”

“Don’t say it.”

Asahi blanched. “What?”’

Daichi and Suga fixed him with identical looks of annoyance.

“You were going to say something sentimental, weren’t you?” asked Daichi.

“Something like, ‘This is going to be our last Inter-High,’ or something, right?” Suga added.

They both smirked at Asahi’s shock. No doubt he was going through the very dialogue in his head.

“You can’t say things like that. It’s not like we’re going to die,” Suga said firmly.

Daichi and Asahi paused for a moment. Suga noticed they weren’t following him after a couple of seconds and turned around.

“What?” he asked. “Did I say something weird?”

Asahi just shook his head, obviously relieved. Daichi was smiling.

“Yeah, you’re right,” he agreed. “No one’s dying. Not this year at any rate. Right now all we have to do is think of the games ahead of us.”

* * *

After Karasuno’s elimination during the Inter-High tournament marked the beginning of the bulk of Suga’s chemotherapy treatment. Once every other week he would go to the hospital for chemotherapy, every day was filled with pills.

Suga’s birthday came and went without a hitch. The team had a small celebration for him before their afternoon practice began.

It wasn’t until four weeks in, just a couple of days before the Tokyo camp, that there was any major change. That morning Suga came in sporting a new look.

“You’re wearing a bandana,” said Daichi, surprised.

Suga laughed sheepishly. “Yeah. My mom bought some the other day. Because of, you know…” He swept generally at his head. “It started coming out in clumps the other day. It’s…weird.”

“Is that normal?”

“The doctors said it was a possibility. And that most of it would happen within a few weeks.” Suga laughed dryly. “Looks like I can’t keep hiding it forever.”

Asahi walked in as well. He was surprised at first, but didn’t say anything past complimenting its blue color.

“Will you wear it during the training camp?” he asked.

Suga’s mouth pinched into a tight line. “I’ll think of something.”

And that he did.

“A wig?” asked Asahi, incredulous.

“Yeah! It’ll last the weekend, hopefully.” Suga adjusted it a bit before turning around. “Well? How does it look?”

The color was a bit off, lighter than his naturally hue, but it wasn’t bad.

Asahi nodded. “Passable.”

“Good. The team knows, but I don’t want it to be the forefront of all conversation among other teams at the training camp.”

Daichi nodded. “Then you’re coming.”

Suga beamed. “Great!”

“How is the wig though? Honestly.”

“Itchy.”

“And how are you feeling?”

“I’m fine, Daichi. Now stop. I’m only playing for the morning. After that, Kageyama will be in and I can rest.” When the captain didn’t look convinced, Suga sighed. “Listen, I’m well and good. Okay? So don’t worry so much.”

* * *

By August it was very clear Suga wasn’t doing as well as before.

He wore the wig most of the time now. He’d lost weight. He was also out of school more often now, having to visit the doctor more often. Daichi asked about it, but to no avail. Suga would simply smile and brush it off like he always did.

It wasn’t brought up again until after they left for Tokyo. The bus ride went smoothly, but Suga was up at the crack of dawn groaning. It woke Daichi, who was sitting next to him.

“How are you feeling?” Daichi asked.

Suga looked pale.

“I’m fine,” he said firmly.

“Are you sure you’re okay to go to the training camp?” Daichi asked, his voice laced with concern. “I’m sure we can arrange for you to go home early.”

Suga sighed. “All I can do at this point is what I can. I want to be there, Daichi, and I’m going to stay for the whole week.”

“It’ll be tough. And hot, I heard.”

“My parents already called and found all the hospitals in the area. Worst case scenario I can go to the nearest one there.” Suga patted Daichi on the arm. “I’m fine. Don’t worry so much.”

“But--”

“He’ll be okay,” Asahi said, leaning over the aisle.

“His health, though…”

“He just said he’ll be fine. I’m sure he will be. And worst case scenario, Suga will sit out for a while and go to the hospital.”

“I’m right here, you know,” Suga grumbled. “Also, sorry for waking you, Asahi.”

“It’s fine,” he said with a yawn. “We’re almost there anyway. I think.”

That they were. Within two hours they’d arrived safe and sound in Saitama. They were greeted by Nekoma. Excitement was in the air.

Suga stood aside from the group a bit. He was already sweating, and the humidity wasn’t helping in the slightest. Even the gym was unbearable. The whole team changed quickly. Suga tried to ignore the way his ribs were beginning to stick out, or how his hair kept getting caught on his shirt.

“Huddle!” Ukai called.

“Suga,” said Asahi, “your wig’s slipping.”

“Ah! Thanks.”

He quickly adjusted it before joining the huddle. Ukai was looking through his notes as the team gathered.

“Sugawara.”

“Yes?”

“You’re not to play more than fifteen minutes at a time. And you are exempt from any punishment the team may face today. Doctor’s orders.”

Suga bowed slightly. “I understand.”

“Just take it easy, alright?”

After that came general announcements, what to improve on, what to look for, and the starting lineup. Suga ended up on the bench for most of the day, until Hinata and Kageyama fell out of sync. He was in for a long as he could be.

The first day went smoothly. As did the second, and the third. Daichi continuously tried to get Suga to eat more with each meal, to which the setter would push the plate away and tell Daichi to calm down.

“I’m fine, Daichi,” he would repeat. “Stop pestering! You’re worse than my mom!”

“I’m just worried.”

“And I can take care of myself.”

The captain and vice captain arguing didn’t sit well with the team. That, on top of the multiple losses, the strained relationship between all the first years, and the heat, really wasn’t good. By day four everyone was antsy.

It didn’t help when, towards the end of the day, Suga fell to his knees in the middle of a practice match.

“Suga!”

The setter was on his knees, hands over his mouth. He was definitely greener than usual. Coach Ukai was the first to jump into action.

“Give him some space!” he barked at the crowding teammates. They reluctantly moved aside.

Takeda-sensei kneeled down beside Sugawara. “Are you okay, Sugawara-kun?”

Suga looked conflicted, but in the end he shook his head.

“Alright. Let’s get you outside, okay? We’ll go straight to the hospital. I’ll drive you. Ukai-kun, call his parents. If someone could please gather Sugawara-kun’s things and leave them in the room. We’ll grab them when we get back.”

“You heard him!” Ukai barked. “Kinoshita, grab his things. Narita, you’re out. Kageyama, Hinata, take their places.”

Kiyoko handed Suga a bottle of water. He took it, but didn’t drink any. Takeda lead him out of the gymnasium and towards the parking lot. It was the last anyone saw of their setter that day.

Two lost sets later, the day was over. Karasuno carried out their punishment with their usual dignity.

Dinner was a silent affair. No one felt like practicing after the events that had transpired except for Hinata and Kageyama. Both went to their separate areas and worked harder than before, until Daichi scolded them for over exerting themselves and sent them off to bed.

It was later, during the captain’s meeting, that Suga’s condition was finally brought up. He hadn’t returned from the hospital yet. No one had gotten any updates on how he was doing either.

Daichi was obviously tense, having spaced out multiple times during the meeting. Despite not being the true vice-captain for Karasuno, Asahi was quick to fill in the spot. He took down notes dutifully and spoke when Daichi wasn’t.

“So what’s up with Sugawara-kun?” Kuroo asked Daichi as they all settled down to play cards. “Is he sick? I overheard the coaches saying he’ll be in the hospital for the rest of the week.”

Daichi didn’t reply, so Asahi did for him.

“Cancer.”

Everyone was silent, giving Daichi and Asahi sympathetic looks.

“I’m sorry,” Kuroo said quietly, patting Daichi’s hand. Daichi nodded in acknowledgement.

“He’s getting better though, right?” asked Akaashi.

Asahi expected the usual ‘Of course!’ from Daichi. It never came. He turned to see the captain staring down at his lap with a tight jaw.

“Daichi?” he asked.

It seemed to snap the teen out of his. He blinked slowly and looked up.

“About that… Suga didn’t want me telling anyone, but I think I should be honest with you…”

* * *

“Noya! And Asahi!” Suga was all smiles as his two friends walked in. “It’s been a few days. How are you guys? How’s the team? I heard from Daichi you’re all planning to visit tomorrow when I’m released, and that I should act surprised.”

It was a couple of days after the summer camp had ended. Suga had been transferred from the hospital in Tokyo to the one back in Sendai. All the team knew was that he was staying for a few days until he was stable and the doctors were able to run a few tests.

Suga smiled. Asahi looked like he was on the verge of throwing up. Noya was livid.

“Why the hell did you stop chemo if you’re not cured yet?”

Sugawara sighed. “I figured that’s why you came.”

Asahi looked down at his feet in shame. “I’m sorry. I know you didn’t want me telling anyone…”

“It’s fine. You’ve always been bad at keeping secrets. And if anyone were to figure out, it would be you, Nishinoya.” Suga turned to Noya. “Yes, it’s true. I’m no longer continuing my chemotherapy. I just met with my parents and my doctors, and we agreed that this would be for the best.”

“Why? Because you’re better?”

“Nah,” he replied with a laugh. “Because it’s easier.”

Nishinoya was practically vibrating with anger. “So you’re just going to take the easy way out? Is that it?”

“Noya,” warned Asahi. “Please.”

“The Suga-san I know wouldn’t just give up like that! He would fight with everything he’s got!”

Suga stared out the window. “He would, wouldn’t he?”

“THEN WHY AREN’T YOU FIGHTING? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GIVING UP?”

“Noya!” Asahi began to scold, but was stopped by Suga. His friend shook his head before giving Nishinoya a sad smile.

“Because I’m not getting better.”

The silence that followed was deadly. Nishinoya was standing, seething with rage, but underneath all of the anger Suga could see another emotion in his eyes.

Fear.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, voice impossibly quiet.

“It,” Suga started, then stopped. He swallowed. “It means what I just said. I’m not going to get better. I’m going to die. I’m going to die, and there’s nothing in this world that can stop that. I’ve been lying to everyone when I said I was getting better. It felt like it for a bit too, especially when I was still able to go to school and practice. But it’s been getting worse. The cancer is spreading, and even aggressive chemotherapy could only do so much. The doctor’s told me it’s terminal.”

Noya was just shaking his head back and forth, eyes vacant.

“You’re lying.”

“Why would I lie about something as valuable as a human life?” There was a steely edge to Suga’s voice that made Nishinoya flinch a bit. The setter’s expression softened almost immediately. “I’m sorry. I was just informed they weren’t able to stop the cancer from spreading. It’s now reached Stage Four.”

“What does that mean?” Noya’s voice was so small. It was so unlike him.

Asahi was the one to speak first. “There’s nothing after Stage Four.”

Suga nodded. “Exactly.”

Noya teetered on his feet, then took a seat in the plastic chair by the bed. It took him a full minute to ask, “What exactly did the doctor say?”

“I was told it would be best I no longer play volleyball, and that I should consider dropping out of school within the next month or so. After that, I’ll be on medication to help with the pain, the sleepiness, and the nausea the painkillers cause.”

“Is it really that bad?” Noya asked.

Suga was silent for several seconds.

“I have less than a year left,” he said. “Optimistically around six months.”

Noya backed up from the bed. Suga had turned away. Asahi was crying.

“You can tell them all,” said Suga, voice cracking. “The team, that is. They’ll figure it out sooner or later. I’d rather they know.”

* * *

The team visit was one of the bleakest events of Suga’s life. The false merriment was dropped the moment he called them out, scolding the boys about being honest before smiling and giving each of them a hug. It was after several painful minutes of masked emotions that someone had the courage to bring up the real reason why they were all gathered there.

“You really are going to die, aren’t you Sugawara-san,” Hinata finally said.

He nodded sadly. “It looks like it. And don’t make that expression! It doesn’t suit you, Hinata-kun.”

Tsukishima wasn’t pleased.

“How can you say something like that?” he asked.

“It’s okay. I’ve accepted it already. I had a good life. There’s nothing to complain about, except maybe not getting that starting position this year.” He winked at Kageyama, who turned away quickly.

“But—”

“Besides,” he cut in, “there’s no point wasting what time I do have left wishing for things I can’t have. I might as well enjoy what I actually did.”

Tsukishima didn’t say anything. He just stood and left the room. Yamaguchi looked conflicted, glancing between the door and Suga. The setter waved him away.

“He’s probably just upset. You can go check on him if you want.”

Yamaguchi nodded, then left. He didn’t return for over twenty minutes. By the time the freckled boy was able to coax Tsukishima out of the locked bathroom stall and back to the setter’s room visitation hours were done for the day.

“Don’t worry!” Suga said brightly. “I should be back at practice tomorrow! Though I’ll be on the sidelines.”

Tsukishima just nodded, bowed, and left. He was the last to go. No one commented on how red his eyes were.

* * *

“I’m going to die soon.”

Daichi looked up from his reading at Suga’s sudden words.

“What?”

“I said I’m going to die soon,” he repeated calmly.

The setter, who was lying on his back on the bed, rolled over onto his side and looked down at where Daichi was sitting on the floor. He set down his book beside him. Suga gave him a small smile. Daichi frowned.

“Don’t say that.”

“Why not? Because it’s true?” When Daichi didn’t reply, Suga reached out and tousled his hair. “I’m sorry. I know it’s hard for you to hear me say things like that. But it helps me come to terms with it. Do you understand?”

Daichi closed his eyes and sighed. “I do.” _But that doesn’t mean_ **_I’ve_ ** _come to terms with it yet._

Suga was, oddly enough, smiling.

“You know what’s funny about being so close to death?” he asked suddenly.

Daichi was still frowning. “Absolutely nothing.”

Suga ignored him, sitting up a bit. “It’s that I’ve been a lot less scared to try new things. Because there’s not much for me to lose. So I’m going to do something absolutely terrifying. Something I wouldn’t dare do unless I had nothing left to lose.”

Daichi turned towards him. “What do you mea--mmph?!”

Suga grabbed Daichi by the front of the shirt and pulled him up for a kiss. Daichi was too shocked to move. He sat, frozen in shock, as Suga’s lips mashed against his. It took him a few seconds to pull away.

“I think I like you, Daichi.”

“You think?” Daichi asked, slightly breathless.

The two stared at each other.

“Suga. I don’t think I like boys like that.”

“Oh. I see.” Suga grinned sheepishly and looked him in the eye. “Was I a bad kisser?”

Daichi wasn’t really what compelled him to reply by taking Suga’s hand in both of his hands and kissing him again, but he didn’t exactly regret the action. And judging by the smile on Suga’s lips as they kissed, he didn’t either.

* * *

Four days had passed since the kiss, and Daichi had avoided the topic with all of his might.

Everyone seemed to notice something was off with their captain and vice captain. Daichi was more civil with him, keeping him at arm’s length. Suga, meanwhile, seemed sadder. The team figured it was because he wasn’t allowed to practice with them anymore, but it became more and more obvious the cause was a certain someone.

It was the most unlikely of people who finally confronted the captain.

“Asahi?” Daichi smiled. “What’s up?”

“You. Well, not up. But something’s bothering you.”

“Is it that obvious?”

Asahi’s little wince was all the answer he needed. Daichi sighed and leaned back. Silence. Asahi finally pushed a bit.

“Is it something to do with Suga.”

“It is.” He paused. “I don’t want to talk about it. At least, not here.”

Asahi nodded. “Um… My parents aren’t home, if you want to come over.”

“Thanks.”

. . . . . . . . . .

“He kissed you?!”

“Not so loud!” Daichi groaned.

“Sorry, sorry.” Asahi lowered his voice, though he wanted to remind Daichi there wasn’t anyone else in the house. “Um, so how was it?”

“Asahi, I think you’re missing the point. Suga. Our classmate. Our teammate. He kissed me.”

Asahi nodded slowly. “And…?”

Daichi flopped onto his back. “Nevermind.”

“No, tell me what’s wrong.”

Daichi hesitated.

“Asahi, I’m not…gay.”

“You don’t have to say it like it’s some disease. It’s not like being gay is gross and wrong.”

Daichi turned away. Asahi’s perpetual frown deepened.

“Oh, don’t tell me you’re one of _those_ straight people.”

“What do you mean ‘one of those straight people’? Why are you saying it like you’re gay?”

Dead silence.

It took Daichi several long moments to compute what was happening. He gasped.

“Wait… Asahi, you’re not… Are you?”

Asahi looked away.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Daichi asked.

“Because I was afraid something like this would happen.”

Daichi felt absolutely ashamed of himself. How could he had made one of his closest friends feel like coming out would mean he was rejecting them? What kind of captain was he? What kind of friend was he?

Asahi picked up on Daichi’s distress almost immediately.

“It’s okay! You’re the first person I’ve told, but it wasn’t as bad I thought it’d be.”

“Gee, thanks,” Daichi deadpanned.

“Look, Daichi. We’re in high school! People already make me nervous, and think I’m a fifth year, and tell me I’m too weak-willed. Imagine if they learned I was gay. I couldn’t live with that. I’d rather just finish high school quietly without any more drama.”

“Oh, it’s not that.”

“Hm?”

Daichi laughed. “I was just thinking how ironic it is that you’d be more mature about it than me!” His laughter trailed off as he though. “I care about Suga. Truly, I do. But I don’t think I can lie to him like that. I don’t know if I can love him like that.”

“I understand.”

The two sat in silence again, both mulling over their own thoughts.

“I don’t want to date him because it’s the dying wish of my best friend, you know?” said Daichi. “I want to date him because I care about him.”

Asahi hummed in understanding. “Well, um… Did you enjoy the kiss?”

Daichi didn’t reply right away. Asahi was immediately worried. “Daichi?”

“What if I did?”

“That doesn’t necessarily make you gay, you know?”

“I know.”

Asahi shrugged. “What do either of you have to lose?”

Daichi laughed at the irony. “Y’know, Suga said the exact same thing before he kissed me.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

The captain shrugged. “Well, I’ll have to talk him soon, won’t I?”

* * *

Daichi decided to talk to Suga the next day. It was Saturday. Due to his illness Suga took weekends off. So Daichi headed to the Sugawara’s house (a place he was becoming increasingly familiar with) after noon. He let himself in, knowing the door wouldn’t be locked.

When he entered the house, Daichi heard a small voice.

“Mom?”

Daichi stopped in the doorway. That was Suga. Daichi had never seen it sound so quiet and hopeless before. Instead of entering the living room he stood in the hallway and peeked in between the crack.

Suga was standing near the doorway, his back turned to his door. His mother, Sugawara Hiromi, who was sitting on the couch, set her knitting down and looked up at her son.

Suga took a deep, hiccup-y breath.

“Why me?” he asked.

Hiromi’s face fell. She looked at her son with pitying eyes. “Oh, Kou-chan. Come here.”

Koushi’s mother embraced him in the next second as Suga broke down. Daichi could see his frail fingers clinging desperately to her shirt, shaking with fear and exertion. The two of them kneeled on the floor. Suga sobbed as he spoke.

“I-I’m not go-g-g-going t-to grad-duate h-high school. I w-won’t go t-t-t-to college…or, or ask som-m-meone out. I won’t have my f-first drink or my first ap-apart-apartment. I’ll never g-go to my fr-friends’ weddings, or get a job, or learn to dr-rive, or cook, or anything! I’m just gonna d-die without doing anything!”

He wailed. The sound wasn’t even human anymore. It was something guttural and primitive and raw.

It was the most broken sound Daichi had ever heard in his life.

“I don’t wanna die, Mom! I don't wanna die! Why does it have to be me?”

And all Hiromi could do was shush him and rub his back soothingly as Suga let it all out while she did her best to compose herself.

Daichi blindly took steps away from the door. He almost tripped on the rising from the genkan, but managed to catch himself without making any noise. He didn’t even bother to put his shoes on all the way. Daichi got them on enough to walk away, closing the door as quietly as he could.

He ended up leaning against that same door and crying as well.

* * *

“Have I told you about my bucket list?” Suga asked.

It was three days after Daichi had seen his friend’s breakdown. The two boys were at Daichi’s house doing their homework. They were in their usual positions: Suga lying on Daichi’s floor while Daichi sat at his desk.

The captain turned around. “A bucket list?”

“I made it during our first year. I honestly completely forgot about it, but I was going through some things in my room and I found it. I think it still applies.”

“Can I see it?” asked Daichi.

Suga rolled over to his bag and pulled out a slightly wrinkled slip of paper. He got up and set it on the desk. Daichi picked it up and read it over.

  1. Go to nationals.
  2. Get a ~~girlfriend~~ boyfriend.
  3. Have sex.
  4. See a shooting star.
  5. Graduate high school and college.
  6. Confess my love to the person I love.



Daichi stared down at the list. “Is this it?”

“That’s all I really wanted to do,” said Suga. “I’m sure the first one is obvious.”

“I’ll say.” Daichi picked up his pen. “Want me to check it off since we're definitely going to beat Seijou and Shiratorizawa?”

Suga laughed. “Oh, come on. It’s my list. At least let me do the honors!”

Daichi handed the pen over. “Be my guest.”

As Suga began to draw checkboxes, Daichi pointed to the next one. “I think number two is more or less established.”

Suga looked up at him in shock. Daichi was confused.

“What?” he asked.

“What do you mean it’s more or less established?! Daichi, you never said yes! And I never asked you. Not properly. I just kinda grabbed your shirt and… and…” Suga buried his reddening face in his hands. “Oh gosh, I can’t believe I just did that last week.”

“Eight days ago,” Daichi corrected. He blushed when Suga stared at him. “What?”

Suga giggled. “You remembered that? Really? Lame.”

“Sh-shut up!”

“Aw, did you stutter? Has Asahi rubbed off on you, captain-san?”

Ignoring that comment, Daichi went back to staring at the bucket list. “So are we dating or what?”

Suga smiled, then nudged him. “I guess we are.”

Daichi laughed a bit and pointed. “I see you crossed out ‘girlfriend’ there. You sure about that one?”

He wasn’t laughing anymore when Suga chopped him across the gut.

“I wasn’t sure if I was gay or not, Daichi. I’m still not sure, to be honest. I do like girls, especially beautiful ones like Kiyoko.”

“I think it would be wrong _not_ to be attracted to Kiyoko at this point,” said Daichi sagely, which only caused Suga to laugh.

“I guess you’re right,” he agreed.

Suga flopped back onto the floor. “I guess that means you’ll have to have dinner with us. And by us, I mean my parents.”

“Your parents are nice. And your dad is great at cooking!”

“Fine, fine! You’re coming to dinner. But don’t you dare embarrass me or yourself. Especially yourself. I’m concerned you won’t make a good first impression.”

“Your parents already know me, Suga.”

The setter waved away the comments. Daichi, however, had other thoughts going through is mind.

“Hey, Suga?”

“Yeah?”

“What do you like about me?”

“Hmm…” Suga thought for a bit. “Your thighs…”

“My thighs.”

“Yeah. There’s so muscle-y. You make me jealous. I have toothpicks compared to you.”

“Please don’t tell me the only reason you kissed me was because I have nice thighs.”

“Oh, that’s not the only reason!” Suga patted Daichi’s arm and winked. “You were in very close proximity. That made it much easier.”

“Suga!” Daichi groaned.

“Alright, alright. Sorry!”

They chuckled. Daichi checked it off.

“Numbers four and five seem pretty manageable,” he said.

“Not anymore!” said Suga from the floor. “At least not number five.”

Oh. Right.

“Why have number six?” Daichi asked. “Wouldn’t you confess to the person you date in high school?”

Suga just laughed. “Daichi, that’s silly! Most people have a high school sweetheart, but not every high school relationship ends with a happily ever after. I doubted I would meet someone I would want to dedicate my life to being with in a romantic way.”

Daichi couldn’t argue with that.

There was just one thing left on the list.

“You didn’t mention number three.”

Daichi looked up to Suga. The setter was fiddling with the end of his shirt nervously. Daichi flushed.

“Do you want to…”

Daichi frowned. “I don’t know.”

“I won’t force you to.”

“I know.”

“Especially since we just officially started dating. I know sex is too soon, but--”

“I’m more concerned about your health! With your condition—”

“Because of my condition,” Suga interrupted, “I won’t have many more chances. It’s only going to get worse from here. By the end I won’t be able to function alone. So…”

Daichi started to sweat. Suga noticed.

“What?”

“Suga… I don’t think I can do it now…”

“Well not now, obviously! Neither of us are prepared. And I don’t know about you, but this isn’t exactly the mood I want to be in during my first time, you know? Also, I’m not really sure how it works. Gosh, it’s not like we’re taught about sex in school or anything—”

“Suga,” Daichi interrupted him. “You’re rambling.”

His mouth clicked shut. Neither of them spoke for quite some time.

“Let’s… Let’s not rush into this,” said Suga finally. “I want it to be more natural. I want us both to want it.”

“Okay,” said Daichi. “Okay.”

* * *

There was something very easy about kissing Suga. It felt natural. That Monday the two were lying in his bed after school. Daichi had to admit that their relationship wasn’t traditional. If anything, it was the opposite of traditional.

There were three things Daichi could definitely say weren’t traditional about their relationship.

Firstly, they were two boys.

Secondly, one was dying of cancer.

The third was just about to happen.

Suga pulled away suddenly, his hand over his mouth. He was shaking his head. Daichi sat up, concerned.

“Suga?”

The setter waved towards the trashcan in the corner. Daichi, without missing a beat, grabbed the can and held it up to Suga’s chin. Within three heaves Suga’s entire lunch came up. And then some. Daichi did his best to rub his boyfriend’s back and whisper comforting words.

“I thought I was done with this shit,” Suga groaned. “After the chemo. Ugh.”

Before Daichi could reply Suga had leaned back over the can and began throwing up some more.

“Is everything alright?”

“Sugawara-san!” Daichi said, relieved. Suga’s mother came in swiftly, easily pushing the larger boy aside and taking his place by her son.

“There there, Kou-chan. Let it out. That’s right. Let it all out.”

 _Go_ , she mouthed to Daichi.

He nodded, stood up, and left. Suga texted him later.

* * *

“One touch!”

“Cover, cover!”

“Daichi-san!”

Daichi groaned after yet another ball went sailing sideways. This practice was going miserably for a number of reasons. Firstly, Suga had taken the day off from school. Though he insisted over the phone that he was feeling fine, Daichi had his doubts. Secondly, it was Tuesday. The conversation he’d had with Suga the week before was still echoing in his head.

Sex.

They were going to have sex. Someday. Not too soon, but someday.

What the hell?

_Smack!_

Yet another failed receive. After apologizing, Daichi saw Coach Ukai waved him to the sidelines.

“Are you okay, Sawamura?” he asked as Daichi ran over.

Daichi sighed, running his hair through his hands. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”

Ukai nodded thoughtfully.

“And Sugawara?”

“He’s… He’s coping.”

More nodding. After some awkward silence, Ukai sighed.

“Look, I know I’m not supposed to butt in, but I want to meet with you after practice.”

“Okay.”

Daichi went back out onto the court. No one made any comments.

Practice ended as usual. Coach Ukai made some closing remarks before leaving, and Takeda-sensei stayed behind and supervised the cleanup process. Once everything was put away Daichi locked up and headed down to Sakanoshita Shop.

Ukai was already there, changed into his usual loose jeans and hoodie and a cigarette in his mouth. A pot of tea was on the table. Ukai pointed towards the seat opposite from him as Daichi entered.

“Help yourself,” he said.

Daichi sat, pouring them both tea. He drank it quietly without comment. His coach watched his tensed posture, taking in just how exhausted Daichi looked. It wasn’t fair to see a kid go through this much before graduating high school. Ukai couldn’t imagine how it was for Sugawara.

After a few sips, Daichi set his cup down.

“I’m sorry for today. I wasn’t as focused I should have been. Especially with Spring High so close.”

“Don’t worry about it. Everyone has off days.”

 _But I’ve had so many,_ Daichi thought bitterly.

As if reading his mind, Ukai said, “I know you’re the captain, Sawamura. I know you have to lead them, and there’s the stress of being there for everyone, but the last thing I want is to see you stop taking care of yourself,” Ukai said. “If you’re not playing your A-game, then the whole team will feel the repercussions.”

Daichi nodded. Ukai hesitated.

“Listen, I know I’m your coach, but I’m technically not a teacher. I won’t tell you what you have to do, or what you’re not supposed to do unless it directly affects the way you play. And this includes dealing with your private life.

“I know you and Sugawara are close. The two of you are like the parents of this team. Better than me, at any rate. But I have to know if things aren’t going well.”

Daichi drank is tea. He took his time answering. “I’m...worried. He seems okay, mentally. But he’s getting weaker and weaker. I’m afraid he won’t make it out the school year.”

Ukai took a long drag, and breathed it out slowly.

“Then it’s best you make the most of it. I’m afraid that’s all I can say. And, if you really need to, take a day off here and there. Check in on Sugawara.”

Daichi nodded. He finished his tea and stood up.

“Thank you,” he said.

Ukai waved him out the door. “Don’t mention it. Grab something to munch on on the way out. And make sure you eat a good meal tonight.”

* * *

Weekly dinners became a thing very quickly for Daichi. Every Wednesday after practice, Daichi would head over for a late sit-down meal with Suga’s mom and dad. Suga would tell them about school and what was happening with their classmates, while Daichi would fill everyone in on the kinds of drills the team was practicing.

After a month it felt very natural to be over for dinner with the Sugawara’s, followed by ‘working on homework’ with his boyfriend upstairs. After six weeks they’d stopped being discreet about their relationship, openly poking fun at one another at the dinner table and holding hands. Suga’s parents were all smiles.

By eight weeks the two stopped pretending they were actually doing homework.

“Well wasn’t dinner a draaaaaag?” Suga asked as he pulled Daichi into his bedroom.

Daichi rolled his eyes. “It was fine. Your parents are fine. My question is, are you fine?”

“All that nagging. You really are worse than my mom!”

Daichi laughed as he allowed Suga’s lips to meet his.

“No puking?”

Suga laughed. “No puking. Did you get everything?”

Daichi rolled his eyes. He broke away and reached towards his school bag.

“I can’t believe I broke into my parents’ room to steal condoms and lube.”

“And I can’t believe they actually had it.”

Daichi set them down on the bedside table. He and Suga sat down on the end of the bed.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

Suga nodded.

“Let me know if I hurt you,” Daichi murmured against his lips.

Suga cupped Daichi’s face. “Oh, Daichi. You know you couldn’t, even if you wanted to.”

“But I—”

“Shh,” Suga shushed him. “I trust you. So can you do the same for me?”

Daichi swallowed, but nodded. “Okay. Okay.”

“And Daichi?”

“Hm?”

“Call me Koushi.”

“Okay.” He smiled. “Koushi.”

The buildup was too slow, the climax too fast. Daichi had tried to be gentle. But Suga bruised way too easily now, and he refused to let Daichi take it easy. It was as rough around the edges as their relationship. Yet despite the pain and exertion of it all Suga was smiling through his tears.

“Thank god we did it all the way,” he’d gasped, laughing when it was all over.

Daichi looked down at Suga then. The former-setter was covered in sweat and bruises. His pale skin was even paler, the bags under his eyes more prominent, and his hair was completely gone. He’d lost weight. He looked sick. Yet when Suga’s eyes opened they sparkled with the same mischief they always had.

 _How is he still so beautiful?_ Daichi wondered as he kissed away Suga’s tears.

* * *

The Spring High tournament came and went. After a crushing defeat against Seijou the team went home in tears. The huddle was brief. Afterwards Daichi was quick to leave.

“Daichi?” asked Asahi.

“I’m going to call Koushi,” he mumbled.

Suga picked up after two rings.

“Hey you.”

“We lost.”

“I know.” The voice on the other line was gentle. “It was on the news. I watched the whole thing. It wasn’t fair to Kageyama-kun, being the only setter. If only I could’ve been there so he could’ve subbed out.”

“I don’t want you blaming yourself!” Daichi said firmly. “Seijou had an insane new player. Second year. His spikes were something else!”

Suga laughed. It was weak-sounding. “I’m not. Blaming myself, that is. I just wish I could’ve been there. It must’ve looked odd to have number 2 missing in the lineup.”

“Say,” Daichi started. “Um, we have our team meeting tomorrow. Before us third years retire. And, um, well…”

“I’ll be there,” said Suga, determined. “We’re officially retiring from volleyball. I want to say goodbye to the team as well.”

“Okay. Want me to stop by tonight?”

“Please.”

“I’ll be there in twenty.” After a brief moment’s hesitation, “See you soon.”

“Bye, Daichi.”

Daichi hung up and took a deep, steadying breath. Everything was fine. He was on his way home when he heard a sound.

Tanaka was outside the gymnasium, crying.

“Tanaka? What’s wrong?”

“Daichi-san!” He wiped his nose. “Oh, it’s nothing.”

Daichi waited beside him. After a few minutes Tanaka started to talk.

“I wanted to win this one…for Suga-san. I wanted for him to see us on that national stage. It was our dream! And Daichi-san, you’re the one who got us close to there. It’s not fair!”

“I know,” Daichi said. “I know.”

* * *

The next couple of months became less and less manageable.

Suga had stopped attending school altogether. His days were spent between the hospital a few towns over and his own home. It seemed the staff were accepting his wishes to live his last couple of months as normally as possible. His treatment was changed significantly to accommodate for that.

Daichi, meanwhile, was drowning in tests and extra studies for his college entrance exams. At least he didn’t have to train for nationals. That bittersweet thought remained with him each day.

Almost all their communication was done through text messages. They usually consisted of Daichi sending Suga various pictures on his way to and from school. The majority of them were photos from the team, who insisted on meeting whenever they could. Hinata and Kageyama would asked about how Suga was doing every day, much to Daichi’s amusement. Despite it now being the off-season, most of the underclassmen were already preparing for next year under Ennoshita’s strict regime.

Only Noya and Hinata seemed overjoyed by it.

Yet as autumn came to a close and the winter wind picked up, it became so painfully apparent what Suga really meant when he said he wasn’t getting better. He would occasionally visit classmates, teachers, and the team. His physical condition was something only Daichi would see.

Suga had lost a considerable amount of weight. He could barely keep food down and lived off of rice gruel, protein shakes, canned fruit, and his medication. Most days he spent staring off into space. Getting answers from him past a few grunts of sentences was bad half the time. He was weak and obviously on his last leg.

Yet his smile never changed. Always bright and genuine and comforting and there. Each team member made sure to spend time just sitting with their former vice captain, talking about anything and everything. Daichi would watch from the sidelines as each person talked, knowing what everyone was thinking each time.

_This could be the last conversation I have with him._

* * *

Suga smiled as Daichi came into his room with a little knock. He reached up from his bed for a hug. Daichi obliged, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and giving him a peck on the lips.

“Congrats on finishing your entrance exams,” Suga murmured.

Daichi groaned. “Finally. I feel terrible I couldn’t spend more time with you because of them. How are you today?”

Suga closed his eyes and hummed a bit. “Tired,” he said after a very long paused.

“Anything you want?”

Another long moment, then:

“Lay with me?”

“Sure.”

Suga scooched over so Daichi could squeeze into the bed next to him. He immediately curled up and placed his head on Daichi’s chest. Daichi ran a hand up and down Suga’s skinny arm.

“Do you want anything to eat?” he asked.

“Mmmm… no…”

“Anything else I can do?”

“Daichi?”

“Yeah?”

“Stop nagging. I’m not dead yet.”

* * *

Suga was eventually moved downstairs, along with a bed. He spent most of the day sleeping, eating less and less.

Christmas went by. Then Daichi’s birthday, and then Asahi’s. Suga was unable to attend either, so their small parties were held at his home. New Year’s was a quiet, private event. Suga managed to stay up for the festivities. Daichi was by his side.

It was on a chilly Wednesday in January that Suga surprised everyone with a burst of energy.

“I want mapo tofu tonight,” he declared.

“Kou-chan, are you sure?” his dad asked. “Isn’t that a bit heavy?”

“It’s fine! I just really want it tonight. I can’t remember the last time I’ve eaten it.”

He smiled. “Well alright. I’ll have to run to the store and grab some minced pork. Will you be okay until I come back?”

“Daichi will watch me.” He turned to his boyfriend. “Right?”

“Of course!”

Suga’s dad laughed. “Well, I know I can trust this one. Keep him out of trouble, okay? I’ll be back soon. I’ll be back,” he added, a little quieter, to his son.

“Bye Dad!”

As soon as the front door was shut Suga stood up and stretched.

“Let’s go out!”

Daichi was shocked. “It’s almost nightfall. And it’s freezing! Why would you want to go outside now?”

Suga shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know. Because I haven’t been outside in a while. Plus, I just have this feeling I won’t have another chance to do this,” he said. “And I wanted to see the stars.”

“I’ll get the backdoor then. We can sit in the garden,” said Daichi. He stood, but Suga grabbed his arm. “Koushi?”

“I want to walk to the park.”

Daichi grabbed their phones and the keys as Suga began pulling on his winter clothes. He sent Suga’s dad a quick text letting him know where they would be before joining his boyfriend. They made quick work of bundling up--Suga more so than Daichi--before heading out.

The park was a short walk down a hill and through a sloped grassy plain. They were halfway there when Suga stopped Daichi. He pointed to a little flat patch near the empty road, where there were no streetlights visible.

“Let’s stop here!”

Daichi sighed, but begrudgingly agreed.

The two were lying on their backs by the road. The grass, though stiffened from the cold frost, was surprisingly comfortable. Daichi and Suga were side-by-side, arms touching and gloved fingers laced together. Their foggy breath mingled in the frigid air.

No one was out. It was quiet and dark, except for the stars. It was peaceful.

“Hey, Daichi?” Suga whispered.

“Yes, Koushi.”

“I have a confession to make,” he said softly.

Daichi turned his head so he could hear him better. “Oh?”

“About my cancer.”

Daichi could practically feel his blood freezing. “I’m listening,” he said.

“Remember how I said it could probably be controlled with aggressive chemo? I… I lied. It was late stage cancer from the start. I told everyone that I was diagnosed and that the doctors said it could be stopped, but…”

Suga trailed off.

“I think,” he said, after a long pause, “that in some ways, I was tricking myself into thinking everything was okay. Like, if I ignored the problem for long enough then it wouldn’t be a big deal. That somehow it would all be okay! But I know I’m wrong. I don’t have much time left.”

“Don’t remind me,” said Daichi.

Suga, to his shock, socked him in the shoulder. Daichi yelped in shock (it didn’t hurt nearly as much as it used to) and rubbed his arm indignantly.

“What was that for?”

“Haha! You finally admitted it! That I’m gonna die! Finally! I’ve been waiting for you to say it!”

“I didn’t exactly say it,” Daichi grumbled. But he settled back down, staring up. “The sky is really beautiful tonight, isn’t it?”

“It is.”

They smiled at one another before directing their attention back upward. Five minutes passed, then ten. Daichi was about to suggest they head home around the fifteen minute mark when a flash caught his attention.

“Ah!”

The two of them gasped in unison as a shooting star made it’s way across the sky. The two turned to face each other.

Daichi laughed, incredulous. “That’s three out of six now.”

Suga smiled. “It is, isn’t it?”

“Think you’ll make it to four?”

“We’ll see.”

They lay there for a bit longer, until the cold became too unbearable.

“Let’s go home,” said Daichi.

No reply.

Daichi cleared his throat, shocking Suga out of his stupor. He stood up and offered Koushi a hand. Suga took it and got up slowly.

“We’ll be late for dinner if we don't hurry.”

After a few blocks, Suga stopped. Daichi noticed immediately.

“Koushi?”

“I just need a minute,” he huffed. “You can go on without me.”

“As if. Here.” Daichi kneeled down. “I’ll carry you. It’s best not to push yourself even more.”

Suga pretended to swoon. “My hero~”

He carefully clambered onto Daichi’s broad back and settled in. Daichi tried to ignore how light the former setter had become, and how weak his grip around his neck was. He decided not to comment on it.

“Tired?” he asked instead.

“Mm…”

“I told you it was too much for you to handle,” Daichi scolded.

“Sorry sorry,” Suga said teasingly.

They were quiet for the next few minutes, the only sounds their breathing and Daichi’s heavy footsteps. Suga closed his eyes and snuggled his cold cheeks into the crook of his boyfriend’s neck. Right before they reached the house Daichi’s phone started buzzing. He awkwardly pulled it out of his pocket, then scowled when he saw the text.

“Who is it?” Suga asked.

“My mom. She wants me home.” Daichi sighed. “Y’know, as much as I’d love to spend the night, I do need to go. I’m sorry.”

Suga hummed thoughtfully. He planted a soft, dry kiss on the nape of Daichi’s neck before burrowing his nose into his boyfriend’s jacket. He dozed off for a bit, only waking when they arrived back at his home. Suga clambered off awkwardly before giving Daichi one last kiss.

“I’ll be back in the morning,” Daichi promised.

“I know,” Suga replied. “Thank you,” he added.

“Of course.”

Daichi turned to leave, but he was stopped as Suga grabbed his jacket sleeve. He accepted the hug he was pulled into.

“I’m going to miss you,” Suga whispered. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

The words got stuck in Daichi’s throat.

“I’ll be here first thing in the morning,” he replied thickly.

They finally pulled apart after a minute.

He did his best to memorize the way Koushi looked in that moment. With his soft smile and gentle eyes, the way he leaned against the doorframe. The way the light blue scarf and hat suited him. The way the black jacket hung off his shoulders. The way the porch light illuminated him in gold.

Like an angel.

Daichi cleared his throat. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Suga just nodded.

Daichi gave one last wave goodbye. He then began his short walk to the train station. Suga didn't leave the doorway until after Daichi’s back vanished from view. He smiled sadly to himself before entering his home and locking the door behind him.

It was as if Suga knew it would be his last day on earth.

* * *

Sugawara Koushi passed away that very night in January. According to both the doctor and the coroner it was a peaceful death. He probably didn’t feel any pain. Daichi heard from a phone call at nine in the morning. By the time he came running to the Sugawara’s door a stretcher was being wheeled out. The body was covered with a plain white sheet.

The funeral happened the following week on a grey Tuesday. The whole school was gathered, with the volleyball team standing front and center school uniforms. For once not a single shirt was left untucked. Daichi couldn’t help but snort a bit at thinking of how Koushi would’ve reacted to seeing them all dressed so nicely. It was the only time he laughed that whole day.

It was an open casket.

Sugawara Koushi lay there. He didn’t look dead, more like he was asleep.

“I feel like he’s going to wake up and tell us it’s all a big joke,” Asahi said. He froze. “I’m sorry! That was insensitive…”

Suga’s father placed a hand on Asahi’s shoulder. His eyes were red-rimmed.

“No, don’t apologize. I feel the same way too.”

After the funeral was the cremation. Only close friends and family were allowed to attend. As was Suga’s request, the whole team was to attend. They were loaded into a rented bus and driven to the cremation center, where they waited.

Those next ninety minutes were torture. The whole team sat together in silence. It was the first time the volleyball team had ever managed to be absolutely quiet for more than two minutes.

It was awful.

Coach Ukai finally excused himself for a smoke fifteen minutes in, Takeda-sensei immediately following him. Hinata, who had gone to the bathroom, came back in saying he thought he heard their coach crying outside.

Then it was time to move the ashes to the urn.

Due to the limited number of bones that were to be placed in the urn, only Daichi and Asahi were asked to partake in the ceremony. First were Suga’s parents, then his uncle and aunt, then his grandfather.

The chopsticks were passed to Daichi. He shook his head slightly, taking a step back.

That wasn’t him. Daichi couldn’t accept it. There was no way that pile of white bones settled within the blackened ashes was all that remained of the boy he’d dated, the boy who had been alive just a week before. Wave after wave of denial pushed into his throat. He was shaking. He couldn’t be here. He couldn’t. He had to get away from it!

It was Asahi’s steady hand on his shoulder that grounded Daichi. He met the ace’s eyes. Puffy, bloodshot, understanding. Daichi took a small breath and stepped forward. He nodded to the relative opposite of him (Koushi’s favorite uncle). Together they picked the up the bone they were directed to and putting it gently in the urn. And just like that it was done.

Daichi let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

The ashes were distributed among the relatives into three smaller urns, to be kept in the homes. Suga’s bones were taken to the family grave.

By the time they’d arrived, the clouds had cleared and it was sunny. The graveyard was quiet save for a few birds chirping. Daichi stood solemnly between Mr. Sugawara and Asahi as the ceremony came to a close.

It wasn’t until hours later—after the funeral and the burial, after leaving on a familiar walk home from the Sugawara household, after shedding the tight jacket and loosening the chokehold of his tie—that Sawamura Daichi’s steady defense finally broke. It was then, sitting in Asahi’s room, that he sobbed into his friend’s embrace until he fell asleep from pure exhaustion.

* * *

The end of his third year was a blur. Daichi had gotten into college. The college he and Suga had agreed to apply to together. His counselor had given him a disapproving look, saying Daichi should choose the higher level school he’d been accepted to. He refused.

It was the only school he could play volleyball at, after all.

With spring came graduation, a tearfest and another memorial for Suga. Then in April Daichi was off to college.

Some things didn’t change. He continued to study, though it wasn’t exactly necessary anymore. He played volleyball. He met up with Asahi when he could, though their schedules never really lined up nicely. He also went to Koushi's parents' home for dinners every time he was in town, though as time went on the number of dinners slowly decreased until Daichi stopped going over altogether. It was too much to bear.

* * *

_Four and a Half Years Later_

Daichi sighed into his coffee. Asahi was late. Not necessarily a surprise, considering it was a busy time on his family’s farm. But since it was the only time they could meet up for the month, Daichi wanted to enjoy every second of seeing his old friend.

“Is this the place?” a very loud voice asked from the doorway, making Daichi look up.

“Nishinoya,” he said, standing to shake the shorter man’s hand. “I wasn’t expecting to see you. It’s been a while. How have you been?”

Noya grinned as he dragged Asahi in behind him. “Fine, fine!”

“You still playing volleyball?”

“Of course! College is awful, but at least I can play. Only reason I went and all.”

Daichi smiled. Good old Nishinoya. He hadn’t changed a bit.

Behind the little libero was Azumane Asahi. His hair was shorter now, no longer in its old ponytail, but he’d kept the beard.

“Hey Daichi,” he greeted. “Sorry I’m late.”

“I’m sorry I made you drive all the way out here.”

“Don’t worry, you didn’t! I drove this big baby here because he doesn’t like driving on crowded streets!” Noya declared with a laugh, thumping Asahi on the back. The older man coughed at the contact.

Daichi laughed. Of course.

Noya stood on his tip-toes, pulling Asahi down. “I’ll come pick you up in two hours, ‘kay?”

“Okay.”

Daichi couldn’t help gritting his teeth when the two pecked each other on the lips. He knew it was a selfish thought, but he couldn’t help but think it should’ve been him and Suga having those easy interactions.

Noya left with a wave. Asahi sighed as he and Daichi took their seats.

“Have you gotten anything yet?” Asahi asked.

Daichi shook his head. “I asked them to wait until after you showed up.”

He turned around and called a waitress over. They ordered sandwiches before settling down.

“How was the drive over?”

Asahi paled. Daichi noted his reaction through his tears of laughter.

“That bad?”

“He said Tanaka’s older sister helped him practice.” Asahi shuddered. “I don’t want to think how poor Ryuu feels. No wonder he’s the most careful driver I know.”

“I could hardly imagine that.”

“Me neither, until he started picking up our deliveries. So, how’s your new job?” Asahi asked.

Daichi groaned. “It’s a job, all right. It makes college seem like a joke. But it’s a nice company, and our boss is reasonable.”

Their conversation petered out as lunch came. The two ate in companionable silence, ordering coffees after they’d finished. For the next hour the two caught up about Asahi’s job and the zucchini disaster from the year before, Noya’s semi-pro outlook, Kageyama making the national team, and Daichi’s weird coworker.

As always, their conversation veered to Suga by the end.

Asahi sighed. “It really doesn’t get any easier, does it?”

Daichi laughed humorlessly. “No, it really doesn’t.”

“Is it weird if I say I feel like it should be the three of us getting coffee together? Like, I feel like Suga would be here telling me I should grow a backbone and learn to drive in the city.”

“Are you kidding? He would tell me to grow a backbone because I drive so slowly. Koushi would have been the type who would always speed. Didn’t he seem like the type?”

“He did, didn’t he?” Asahi asked with a smile.

Daichi nodded seriously. “No doubt about it.”

“He’d also be the one with the crazy roommate stories. I could imagine he’d refuse to live at home with his parents. Unlike us.”

“Unlike us.”

Asahi sighed wistfully. “His life would’ve been something incredible, huh?”

“Yeah,” Daichi agreed, voice soft, “it would’ve been.”

They were interrupted by Daichi’s phone. The former captain ducked his head slightly in apology before pulling it out. It was a number he didn’t recognize. Daichi frowned a bit.

“Who is it?” asked Asahi.

“I’m not sure. Give me a second.” Daichi answered the phone. “Hello, this is Sawamura.”

“Daichi-kun?”

He almost dropped his phone in surprise. He recognized this woman's voice. “Sugawara-san?”

Asahi’s eyes were wide open in shock. He went to say something but Daichi held up a hand to stop him.

There was a relieved sigh from the other end. “Oh, thank goodness I have the right number. I went to your mother’s house the other day to ask her for it. I’m sorry for calling you out of the blue like this.”

“No no, it’s fine.”

“Are you busy right now? I can call back at another time.”

“It’s fine. I’m having coffee with Asahi right now.”

“Oh!” Hiromi’s voice seemed happier at that. “You and Asahi-kun are still in contact! I’m glad to hear that. I know Koushi would be too.”

There was a moment of silence.

“Well, the reason why I called you was because we—that is, my husband and I—had a proposition. We were wondering if you could help us…take care of some things. In Koushi’s old room.”

Daichi froze at that. “What?”

He heard the shuddering breaths from the other line. It took her several moments before she spoke again.

“I know it’s a bit of a different request. But we have decided to empty the bedroom. We were told it would help with coping, but…”

“I understand,” he said quickly. “Does Sunday work?”

“Sunday is perfect. Thank you, Daichi.”

“Of course. I’ll see you around noon, then?”

“Okay. Oh! I’d nearly forgotten. Koushi said he had something he left there he wanted you to have.”

“He did?” Daichi was put off by those words. “Do you remember what it was?”

“He never told us. But he said he wanted to give it to you before… Well, he never did. But it’s somewhere in his room. And we didn’t look for it because we figured it was private…”

Daichi could hear her crying on the other line.

“H-Hiromi-san—”

“Besides, I know he would’ve been okay if it was just you in there.”

Daichi nodded, taking everything in. “I’ll be there. I promise.”

“Thank you, Daichi-kun. Please say hi to Asahi-kun for me.”

“Of course! Bye.”

“Goodbye.”

Daichi hung up. Asahi was quick to ask questions.

“Was that…?”

“Koushi’s mom? Yeah, it was.”

Asahi looked worried. “What was that all about?”

“They’re going to clean out Koushi’s room. She wanted me to come by this weekend and help. That, and they said Koushi left me something.”

“What?”

“Yeah..."

Asahi nodded. “What do you think it is?”

“I’m not sure. He didn’t tell them. Knowing Koushi, it could be genuine. Or a complete gag gift.” Daichi sighed. “Whatever it may be, I’ll look for it.”

* * *

“Daichi-kun!”

Suga’s father answered the door cheerfully. Daichi stepped in, giving the older man a firm hug.

“Hello, Satoshi-san. It’s good to see you again!”

“Likewise! Ah, let me see you!” He held Daichi back at arm’s length, nodding and smiling. “Well, you’ve certainly grown up to be a strapping young lad.”

“Thank you.”

“Hiromi’s upstairs. She’ll direct you to what needs to be done.”

Daichi bowed again. Removing his shoes, he headed up to Koushi’s room.

Hiromi-san was standing in the doorway, staring. She didn’t acknowledge Daichi until he stood beside her in solidarity. She just reached back and took his hand gently. They stood like that for a few minutes, until she let go and took a step back.

“Okay,” she said quietly. “I’m ready.”

“What would you like me to do?” Daichi asked.

Hiromi-san pointed towards the bookshelf and the desk. “We’re just starting with boxing up his books and comics. Since those things are a bit heavy, we were hoping you could take them downstairs for us. We have a truck coming tomorrow to take it all to a book drive.”

“Okay.”

“And if you see anything you want to take with you, don’t hesitate to do so.”

With that, Daichi was left alone in the old bedroom with two cardboard boxes and a whole lot of memories. He looked around.

Nothing had changed.

Suga’s uniform was hanging from the hook by his bed. His desk had a neat stack of textbooks, the spines lightly worn. The bed was made, the floor devoid of clothing. Aside from a thin layer of dust it looked just like it did since Daichi had first come over with Asahi during their first year of high school to watch volleyball videos together.

His bed was the only thing that Daichi knew hadn’t been used; Suga’s last few weeks were spent on a futon downstairs.

Daichi made a small lap around the room when he noticed something glinting under a small stack of papers. He dug through it gingerly.

Koushi’s old phone. White, with exactly four phone charms attached: a volleyball with the #2, a little black crow, some Pokémon character Daichi didn’t recognize, and a piece of tofu with anime eyes and a smile that Daichi had gotten Suga for his birthday when he turned sixteen. Daichi pressed the power button.

It didn’t turn on.

 _Of course not,_ Daichi scolded himself. It’d been over four years since the thing had been used. The plug was still in the wall, though.

Daichi wasn’t sure what made him do it, but a sudden impulse to plug it in and look through it took over. Suga wouldn’t have minded, surely. He let the phone charge as he began looking around the room again, this time with a new mindset. This would be the last time the room would look like this. He wanted to take in everything.

After a few more minutes, Daichi sighed and began placing the old textbooks carefully into the box the Sugawaras had placed in the room. Next was the bookshelf. There were some manga, a few novels, and a ridiculous number of magazines. Mostly sports, but Daichi smirked when he saw a few naughty ones in the mix.

So much for everyone thinking Koushi was a saint.

After some deliberation, Daichi threw those into the garbage bag. They were probably not appropriate for a book drive, though Koushi would’ve probably thrown in a few for shits and giggles.

Just then, there was a chime from the wall. Some sort of alert.

Daichi got up and checked it.

A schedule alert.

_For Daichi: pillowcase._

Pillowcase? Daichi turned to bed. Was there something there? Could this be what Hiromi-san had mentioned?

Daichi crawled over to the bed. He picked up the pillow and upended it. Out came the pillow and an envelope.

In it was a letter addressed _Daichi_.

Daichi swallowed thickly. He could recognize that handwriting almost anywhere. Neat yet flowing, with a slight flair at the ends of the characters. It was one that’d been added in the margin of nearly all of his notes at home, especially the volleyball related ones. It was handwriting he hadn’t found the heart to look at in over four years.

Forcing the nausea down, Daichi opened the letter and began to read.

_Dear Daichi,_

_I hope you read this letter soon, but knowing you it’s probably been a few years! And don’t give this letter that look! It hasn’t done anything to you!_

Daichi immediately froze. How the hell did Koushi know that?

_Well, where to begin? There’s so much I have to say, and so little time. I guess I’ll just start from the beginning._

_I know it’s selfish for me to say it, but I don’t want you to forget me. However, I do want you to move on. Is that so much to ask? I feel like it is. I’m not sure how to say it any better, but I’ll try._

_I want to start from the beginning. Our first year of high school together. Remember how you, Asahi, and I didn’t know each other at all? How we were just three wannabe volleyball players with an unachievable goal? I remember it so clearly, as if it were yesterday. You were like the backbone of our group. You inspired me and Asahi to work hard and beat the odds. Though we never made it to nationals, you gave Karasuno a chance. You made it so we were no longer called “the flightless crows.” You changed Karasuno so our underclassmen could carry on that nationals legacy. So even though we didn’t get that dream, please don’t sell yourself short. You did something incredible._

_I think it was because of that that I fell for you. Granted, you also have really nice thighs. I wasn’t lying about that part, hehe!_

Daichi couldn’t help but chuckle. He leaned back so he propped was against Suga’s bed and turned the page over.

_But in all seriousness, I started realizing just how much I cared about you after that. The team thing, I mean. You always had such a determination about you that I wish I had a sliver of._

“You did,” Daichi murmured. “More than you could ever know.”

_And it was that determination that made me hide the fact that my cancer was terminal. It was your determination that inspired me to keep fighting, to keep holding on to my dreams. I’m just sad they weren’t all realized. But I don’t think that I had the slightest chance of getting three out of five things on my bucket list done if it hadn’t been for you._

_I mean, the dating and the sex were definitely not possible without you. I couldn’t imagine trying to have sex with anyone else. Imagine what Tanaka’s face would’ve looked like if I asked him for a night in!_

_But all that silliness aside, I know I owe pretty much everything in high school to you. Daichi, you helped me so much, and not just in schoolwork and volleyball. In giving me more confidence in myself. Without you, I would probably still be a mediocre volleyball player with good grades and a bad attitude~ ;)_

Daichi noticed how the handwriting was becoming shakier. He imagined Koushi sitting at his desk, writing with what little energy he had left. The determined pout on his lips as he worked to finish what he wanted to say.

Daichi was definitely blinking back tears as he went to the third and final page.

_You know, I always felt like we did our entire relationship in the wrong order. I never even got the chance to listen to your awkward confession. And don’t deny it would’ve been awkward! I know you and you should know yourself enough to know I’m not lying!_

_Consider this my reply to your silly awkward confession. Check the envelope._

Daichi frowned. He noticed a small bump in it he hadn’t seen before. Daichi turned the envelope over and shook the thing out of it. It fell into his open palm, small and shiny.

A single golden button.

_I know I never graduated, but if I had this would’ve been my gift to you. After hearing your silly awkward confession, of course. I’m sure you’re smart enough to guess where this button came from._

Daichi stood, going over to the wall. The old gakuran was still hanging from its hanger. He double-checked the buttons. There was no doubt about it.

This was the second button of Suga’s uniform jacket.

A confession.

_This makes four out of six. So it looks like I made it past 50%, ha! Even if I’m dead by the time you get this, will you still count it for me? I’d really appreciate that!_

_I don’t have much time left. And I don’t have the energy to possibly write down everything I want to tell you. I would need a lifetime to do that, and that’s a lifetime I’m not going to have. So I’m just going to end with this._

_Daichi, this is my last request for you: Go live your life. Live it to your fullest potential. Live it for both you and me. Live to be an old man. Get a job, get married, have a family. Be happy. I know you don’t believe in an afterlife, and I’m not sure if I do or not. But maybe someday we’ll see each other again and catch up. I’d really like that. Wouldn’t you?_

Daichi stared. There was only one line left on the paper. It was blotted slightly by tears from years ago. Tears that had fallen from sparkling hazel eyes that never showed Daichi weakness. This was the last piece of evidence of Sugawara Koushi’s final goodbye.

He read the last line over and over again.

It was too much.

Daichi clutched the letter to his chest, hand gripping the tiny golden button, and broke down into sobs. Sawamura Daichi cried for all the good times and bad times, for every moment he and the boy he loved had been able to share, for all the time they would never have. But most of all Sawamura Daichi cried to say his final goodbye as well.

He cried because he could imagine Koushi sitting beside him, leaning his head against his shoulder, and saying those words to Daichi he’d never said when he was alive.

_With love, forever and always._

_Suga_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Here are some tissues on the way out. If you liked this, please leave a kudo or a comment because they make my day! :D
> 
> To feel more pain, take a look at tomomi's beautiful illustration of the final scene [here](http://tomomi-chu.tumblr.com/post/149720652958/my-final-submission-for-hqbb-this-is-for-a-sad)!  
> To unfeel pain, eat copious amounts of comfort foods ~~like a certain author did when he finished this~~.  
>  And if you are in too much pain, remember that Suga wore watermelon swim trunks in Furudate-sensei's artwork ([Chapter 220](http://2.p.mpcdn.net/19980/803726/3.jpg)) and that he's still very much alive.


End file.
